I'm Dr. Orion Taraban and this is Psych Hacks, better living through psychology and the topic
of today's short talk is why men get married.
So this episode is for the ladies.
So I've been doing a lot of consultations with women these days and while my consultations
with men tend to run the gamut with respect to the topics under consideration, every single
one of my consultations with women has been on one single topic, namely, how do I get
married, Orion?
And these conversations have been very enlightening to say the least.
Make sure you listen all the way to the end.
One of the many things I've learned is that a lot of you ladies don't seem to appreciate
that men don't approach the idea of marriage like you do.
In fact, at any given moment, most men are not going to be interested in the prospect
of settling down.
And this creates a problem for you women because it can be very difficult to differentiate
between the men who might be interested in getting married and the men who just aren't.
You certainly can't tell the difference just by looking at them.
However, while every situation is different, some general rules tend to apply.
Leaving aside the question of whether men should get married, today I'm going to explain
to you why men do get married when they choose to do so.
In the vast majority of cases, men don't get married to their ideal woman.
It's not like the movies in which a confirmed bachelor is persuaded to tie the knot when
the right woman comes along.
That's not how it works for men.
In the vast majority of cases, ladies listen real close, men get married to a woman who
is good enough when everything is working.
This means, ladies, that being the perfect woman is less important than choosing the
right moment and that being perfect is less important than being unproblematic.
You have to appreciate that from the perspective of any relatively sane man.
Having a family is an enormous responsibility.
No reasonable man is going to do that when he is feeling financially insecure, or his
career prospects are uncertain, or he hasn't yet secured his place in the world, or conversely,
when you threaten to leave the relationship, or you are emotionally volatile, or you nag,
or complain, or criticize, or provoke, or neglect, or otherwise create unnecessary problems
for him.
A man gets married when everything is working, both in his career and in his relationship.
Starting a family when everything is not working is irresponsible.
It's not a good idea to bring children into the world when material conditions are unstable,
uncertain, or insufficient, and any decent man is going to appreciate that fact.
The right woman at the wrong time does nothing to change this.
What's more, a man who hasn't yet achieved the status, influence, or professional success
he would like to enjoy will be very reticent to start a family because of how much time,
energy, and attention a wife and children require.
Time, energy, and attention that could otherwise be channeled into their personal and professional
development.
So men who, for whatever reason, haven't yet arrived at material stability, or who haven't
yet found their place in the world, are not going to be interested, nor should they be
interested, in getting married.
Why?
Because it's not about you.
It's about his moment in life.
The upshot of this should be obvious.
Women, if you want to get married sooner as opposed to later, you absolutely need to target
a man who is stable, who is financially successful, and who already has attained to some status
in the world.
And this generally means older men.
It takes time to do all of these things.
And there's only so much a man can do to hurry it along.
In general, a man who has everything else in place will eventually turn his attention
to starting a family.
Haven't you girls read Jane Austen?
The first line of Pride and Prejudice is, it is a truth universally acknowledged that
a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Correct.
It doesn't go the other way around.
Why?
Because once a man has a wife, it's harder for him to possess a good fortune.
This is because the wife tends to use up not only the fortune, but the time, energy, and
attention needed to create additional fortune as well.
You women are expensive.
And when we're dealing with you, we're not dealing with anything else.
In any case, Austen was right.
The fortune has to come first.
So target older men because they're more likely to have it.
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Let's get back to it.
Now, targeting older men is especially important to consider if you're a woman looking to find
a husband in a major city like New York or San Francisco or Los Angeles.
The cost of living in these cities is so insanely high that men need a lot more money to feel
like they have enough to take on dependents.
It's hard enough to have a decent life as a single person in these places.
Throw in a wife and kids and a lot of guys are going to feel like they first need to
increase their earning potential or their net worth by an order of magnitude.
It takes a lot of time and effort to do that.
That's one of the main reasons why men are getting married later in life.
The material threshold at which men feel comfortable about responsibly taking on women and children
is getting higher and higher as the cost of living increases across the board.
And this is made even more difficult by the fact that men now need to compete with you
women for the same money.
Like a lot of women are out there busting their ass thinking they need to provide for
a husband and kids.
Most women wouldn't get married to a man who required financial support.
A lot of you are earning money to hedge your bets in case the marriage thing doesn't work
out.
But because you're doing that, you actually make it less likely that you will get married
because it's going to take more and more time and effort for the men around you to get the
money they need to feel in order to feel like he's ready to share it with you and the kids
without completely losing his life in the process.
And if and when he gets there, he's probably not going to want to sign over all of that
hard earned money to a woman with two good years of fertility left, which is another
reason why women should target older men, especially while they're still young.
And here's the most important part of all this.
It's the most important part because it's the part you women actually control.
Women get married when everything is working, especially in the relationship.
Every problem that you unnecessarily introduce into the relationship is a stumbling block
that you're throwing in your own path.
Why?
Because when a man is thinking of getting married, he's going to look at his woman and
think, could I deal with this for the rest of my life?
That means if you're issuing demands and ultimatums, he's going to think, am I going to have to
deal with demands and ultimatums for the rest of my life?
And you know what?
I don't care who he is.
He is not going to want to deal with demands and ultimatums for the rest of his life.
So why the fuck would he sign up for that?
Same thing with jealousy, or criticism, or laziness, or emotionality, or judgmentalism,
or sexlessness, or any of the hundreds of things that women are subject to bring to
their relationships.
To get married as a woman, you do not need to be hot.
You do not need to be charming.
You do not need to be brilliant, or accomplished, or anything nearly so positive.
You have to be unproblematic.
That's it.
Because a man's imagination will magnify and extend every problem that you introduce into
the relationship into the indefinite future.
Trust me, this is enough to terrify an otherwise reasonable and well-meaning man away from
marrying you.
So let's recap.
Men get married when everything is working.
This means that he has achieved some measure of wealth and status, and he has a clear and
realistic vision for a future characterized by prosperous stability.
When a man attains to this state, he will consider marrying a woman, provided she is
not introducing any more difficulty into his life.
Everything is not working when a woman creates unnecessary arguments, or frustrations, or
disappointments, and he will likely not move forward unless and until these are resolved.
And if he's dealing with these issues, he's not spending time and energy on making the
rest of his life work, which will further compromise his willingness to commit.
So whatever you do, don't rock the boat.
You'll probably just end up getting tipped out of it.
What do you think?
Does this fit with your own experience?
Let me know in the comments below.
As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.
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